Words I just never wanted to say.....

So day I said the words I never wanted to say.... Today I told the doctors that Travis and I wanted Carson to get the G-tube. And I actually did ok saying it, because I thought I would brake down when I told them but I didn't yet I still felt as if someone had punched me in my stomach and then I kept hearing in one ear "Failure" and in the other ear I was hearing "It's ok". And I know... I know I should not feel like a failure but it's hard not to some times when you think getting your kid to eat "should" be easy. And in Carson's case it hasn't been easy and it just hurts to know that I tried EVERYTHING to get him to eat, to try new things and even go to great links to getting him stuff that he would eat. So yes today I couldn't help but feel defeated in doing my Mommy duties in just getting trying to get my baby to eat, something that we do everyday. Something that is just human nature to do and yet again CF slaps you in the face and takes that away from you.

I do know in my heart that we are doing the right thing for him but I had to exhaust all my other options before this option. So I guess right now all I'm truly focusing on is getting him better and out of the hospital and I know that we would have liked to have been out before Christmas but.... it just doesn't look like that's in the cards. We should be getting out the day after Christmas and we will be leaving with a wonderful parting gift that will help Carson grow big and strong and maybe just maybe take a little worry off this Mama on not having to STRESS so much about how much he is eating right now. So then it can leave room for me to stress about something else LOL. Because really... do Mama's ever really stop stressing out about their kids? :)

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a New Year that brings you nothing but love, laughter & heart warming moments.

Sammies!!!!!!

Oh the life of a CF Mama..... So I know that as a Mom you would do ANYTHING for your kids and being a CF Mom you get to do Mom things in special ways sometimes. And that is exactly what I did yesterday, you see my Nana, me and the boys went on a road trip to Woodburn Oregon. Now just so you kinda get an idea of what has been going on here. As most of you have read in other blogs Carson my oldest is a VERY picky eater and yes Carson comes by it quite honestly because Carson's Uncle ( My Brother) and my Mother were very picky eaters as kids, so as we all know with CFers they NEED to eat. Well when you have a CF kid that eats ONLY a hand full of things and when one of those things gets discontinued.... That can be a problem, so when Carson's Uncrustables grilled cheesed sandwiches got discontinued I was heartbroken. I know heartbroken over a silly sandwich, well I got even more heartbroken when I bought the sandwich punch thing that makes a sandwiches look just like one of the Uncrustables and he wouldn't even touch it. I even tried 5 different cheeses and still nothing, so anyways it was about 2 to 3 months with out "Sammies" and whenever I went to Walmart I would look for them and one day they had 17 boxes. I bought everyone and it was the best $40 I had ever spent.

I started to run low and was kind of getting worried that I was going to run out and I would have not found something else that Carson would eat that was " real " food like these silly sandwiches. But then the Sammie angle found some. My Mom's cousin that lives up in Washington just so happened to find some at her Walmart and had remembered my plea I had put on FB about friends and family to please look for these things whenever they were out shopping. So she found some and bought all 29 boxes that they had, and her parents were coming for a visit and said they would drop them off on their way home. So on Tuesday I got the best gift ever... 29 boxes of Sammies, but wait my Sammie angles were not done yet. After my Sammie deliverers left and headed home they thought they would stop off at the Woodburn Walmart just to see if they had any???? And they did!!! They had 3 CASES and a case had 10 boxes in them, so yet again my Mom's wonderful Aunt talked to a man there and was talking to him about saving them my Mom's cousin also called and talked to another man and told him our story and he said he would hold them for us. So when I found out what my family had done and I know that it might sound a little silly and I even laugh while I did it but... after I heard what they had done I truly had tears rolling down my face I was sooo happy. It was the most heart warming feeling and not only because of some silly sandwiches but that other people took their own time to make my days a little bit easier.

 It's a little crazy I know, but to have a child that WONT eat hardly anything let alone TRY anything, to have something that he will eat be taken way was devastating. But I think we will be fine for a while... because when we did get to Woodburn they didn't have 3 cases they had...... 5!!!! So I left with 50 boxes of Sammies and with 4 Sammies in a box I know have 200 more Sammies for Mr.Carson to enjoy. Now you can enjoy a couple pictures of Carson.

 "Mommy I so happy"

  "Sammie puzzle"

Stuff you just SHOULDN'T have to worry about!!!

It's hard not to look at these two and not smile.... It's hard not to look at these two a wonder what they are thinking about..... It's even harder to look at these two and know that they are just going about their day and that they have no clue when I look at them I want nothing more to be able to look at them and not worry about stuff I SHOULDN'T have to worry about!!!

 So Carson had a clinic appointment last week and I just soooo hate going it's like having to go to the principles office and knowing that you are going to get in trouble but not knowing quite what for. So some good news is that Carson didn't loose any weight but only gained a couple ounces. And so of course they started talking about that G-Tube again and they knew that I was not having it quite yet. Because as I explained to them is that right now 1. Carson just got off of a antibiotics 2. I feel like I'm working with a 1 year old with Carson on eating and trying new things, when actually I am working with not only that but the TERRIBLE twos. So they are working with me and Carson started taking a appetite stimulant called Periactin ( cyproheptadine ). And so far kind of ok???? Unfortunately Carson is my side effects kid and of course on day two of taking it he had diarrhea and threw up.Well now being on it a week he only did that, that one day. Now I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me but it seems to have started working... so we shall see.

Brandon has clinic on the 23rd so we shall see what they think about him.... And you see this is what I'm talking about, No parent should dread having to go and see their kids Doctor FEARING that what they have been doing over the past 3 months has been wrong or told that they could have been doing better.
I shouldn't have to worry about how skinny or tall or even how much they are eating at this age. I shouldn't have to plead my case or be made to feel like if I don't make the choose they want me to make that I'm going about things the wrong way. And I sure in the HELL shouldn't have to worry about every signal sniffle, cough, runny nose or anyone else that might be sick that MIGHT have been around the boys. But......that is the hand I have been dealt and I'm up for it. Yes I might bitch and complain once in a while or keep it all in and then wish I had a punching bag that I could beat the crap out of. Because it's hard not to look at my sweet boys and know it's all for a GOOD reason. That this is a fight that I'm willing to kick it's ass any chance I get.

So again.... I CAN NOT look at these two and not smile and I know with all my heart that one day SOON I will NOT have to worry about stuff that I SHOULDN'T have to.
CF= CURE FOUND!!!!